Light through the cracks

Light through the cracks




I shared a lot without saying much to you last month. I told you about my foster son running away. To date, we still don’t know where he is. Actually, I take that back, I have a pretty good idea but it’s been so long now that I’m not sure I trust my instincts on this anymore.

When it first happened, I threw myself into my Bikram practice. Not because I find 105 degrees therapeutic but because when everyone else is wiping sweat from their eyes, no one can tell you’re wiping tears. I ate a massive amount of junk food. Socially isolated myself a bit (thankfully I have friends who wouldn’t allow me to be alone). I sunk in and thankfully was able to scoop myself out before I was too deep.

I’ve been there before with depression. I know how low I can go and how much apathy and dysfunction can take over my life. Thankfully, I’ve never needed medication but I can completely understand the need. But I’m lucky. I have learned what it takes to pull *me* out – sunshine, exercise, healthy food, and good people around me. Guess, I could consider myself lucky this happened in the summer when the sun is the brightest.

And I’ve never been so appreciative of my practice. I actually couldn’t sit and meditate for a long while – I was so afraid of the emotions that might come up. Of what might be reflected back to me. Of the truth that I’d have to face. However, I remember. I remember what I learned when I sit. When I reflect. I remember how I feel when I open up and talk to people I trust (I did a lot of that). When I reclaim my life.

I tell you all this to remind you that I’m very much a human being and just like you. I’m not always happy to go to work. I don’t always get along with everyone. Creme-filled cookies and I are best friends. And my long time yoga practice doesn’t magically make any of this disappear or make the hard times better. It does give me insight into myself and how I relate to the world (though I wish it did stop tears sometimes).

Here’s the conclusions I’ve drawn on this latest heartache thus far:

1)      As much as I disagree, this was my foster son’s decision to make and I have to respect that at least. He picked a hard path. But he picked it.

2)      At some level, I helped create an environment that made it easy for him to crawl out the window. I may never get to know how I did that. It’s so easy to just blame him but I have to accept my role too.

3)      As eye-opening and heartbreaking this whole experience has been, I’m not surrendering my foster license. I have switched it from full time placement to emergency/respite care only. This will hopefully not overwhelm my emotions again. And secondly, it keeps my personal options opened. If I’ve learned anything in life it’s that the opposite of dark is light and light will penetrate the tiniest of cracks. Well, a crack has opened and I’m chipping away at it. I know there’s beauty on the other side.


On a whole other note, September is national yoga month and I’m almost halfway through my 100 Healthy Days challenge. So here are some of my yoga pics/selfies from the past few weeks. Join me or start your own challenge. I’m on Instagram @yogadara


yoga selfie 1 yoga selfie 2 yoga selfie 3



PS – the adaptive class is in need of volunteers! If you or someone else is interested in volunteering, the next training is Sunday, Sept. 14 at 1:30 pm. Contact me details!

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